Anyone watching,
thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt
needs to watch their backs.
So, you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high.
Literally.
Literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your ConDemNation,
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we have a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word...
or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know,
we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a cloud,
necking mushrooms rarely found.
Green and pleasant land and ancient times...
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'Money, of itself,
'has no value.
'It's just...paper.
'Can't let it rule your life.
'Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be with than without.'
'Heat. Shelter. Food.
'Luxury items. Baubles.'
'They're not the stuff of life.
'People are the stuff of life.
'So long as none get too close.
'Never close enough to hurt.'
'Money buys...independence.'
'Self sufficiency.'
'And I am...
'I must be...
'self sufficient.'
Fuck are you doing here?
You didn't fancy walking home.
Kettle on, eh? And see to Cilla for us, I'm shattered.
That's cos you've been guzzling drink half the night.
Which you never do!
I don't even remember leaving the pub.
Oh, fuck it! You were on good form, we all were.
That's how we carried it on back here...
We?
Karen came. Slept in with Ruby.
It was a good night!
Kettle's on.
Hey! Don't do half a job.
Get us a fucking cuppa!
Look at the state of this, eh?
Thought girls were supposed to be tidy,
not getting all drunk and messy.
You're not going to be like that, are you?
You're a good girl.
As long as you keep betting, I'll keep taking your money.
End of the week.
Got a job.
I'm busy.
Can't it wait?
If I wanted it to.
But I don't.
Why don't you ask these two? He's a gangster's apprentice,
and I happen to know he needs a bit of cash
to pay off his gambling debt.
You up to it?
Course, it's about time!
What's in it for me?
How much do you owe Shane?
40 quid.
Then let's call it 45.
Clear your gambling debts,
still enough left over for a bag of sherbet lemons.
Money. Address. Don't come back empty handed, eh?
I won't.
Take the Merc.
He doesn't drive if you want to keep your testicles.
I need a word.
Platypus.
Plat...?
Duck. Part otter.
I know what it is. The only egg-laying mammal.
It's a word.
So, is it positive or not?
I can't tell, cos its smashed.
And who was...?
Your mam, Karen, Gloria.
It's totally irresponsible if one of them is up the duff.
So are you and my mam trying for another one?
Well, it depends what you mean by trying.
I mean, are you fucking my mother with the intention of getting her pregnant?
I've been double bagging lately.
Cos we've been doing a lot of back door first.
Most of the time, she just finishes me off with a blowy.
She does swallow, though, so...
Cos swallowing's a big pregnancy risk, is it?
Oh, yeah. Shit. It could be Karen.
I can't believe your mam wouldn't tell me.
Hey!
Bit of luck, might be Gloria's.
"In the beginning was the Word.
"The Word was with God.
"The Word was God.
"The same was in the beginning with God.
"All things were made through Him...
"..but without Him was not anything made..."
"There was a man sent from God whose name was John..."
I'll ask her to give you a call and rearrange, if that's OK?
All right.
I'm sorry about that. It's all right. OK.
Ta-ra now.
See you.
How many more?
Another two, maybe.
I just can't face her today.
If there was anything wrong, you would tell me, wouldn't you?
I'm just hungover.
This seems fine.
Not as good as your own, but it'll do for a bit.
Here.
What happened to my own phone?
It's in the bin, stinking of cheap lager.
You dropped it in a pint pot last night.
I really need to fucking behave.
Popular.
Or unpopular.
For fuck's sake.
You're sure you got the right address?
Its not an address, it's a location.
The Sat Nav says I have.
Maybe we should just...
The paper says wait.
It's freaking me out, this shit, man. It could be a set-up.
They could have guns. We could wake up in a ditch,
bullets in the back of our heads.
Nah, it's a few steaks for a meat raffle.
If it's a few steaks, why have you got an envelope filled with notes?
He's got a gun!
This is private land.
Jamie Maguire sent us.
Come.
I'm not quite sure this is what Jamie had in mind.
It's 300lb of quality beef.
But it's still whole!
Not for long.
Traded Jackson in for a younger model?
Can recommend it if you have.
He's just a mate from work.
Is he the one that...?
Uppers to keep himself working, downers to get some sleep.
He's sorted himself out now, though.
I wouldn't kick him out of bed for dropping crumbs.
You two getting on, then?
Behave!
He's just a laugh, that's all.
I'm just going to...
Right. First of all,
we've all popped a few pills in our time, so don't judge me.
Secondly, if you were 20 years younger, I'd have you, crumbs or not.
And as for Mrs Robinson, well! The night is still young.
Looks like he's hung. Is he hung?
Can I have a beer?
Thought we might have a quiet night in, just the two of us.
Why?
We'll get an Indian, curl up, watch something.
Have you got something you want to tell me?
That I want to get a take-out and watch a film.
Are you...?
What?
Putting on a bit of weight?
Why would you ask any woman a question like that?
I'm just saying.
Well, that's like me just saying,
"Not to worry, size really doesn't matter."
I wasn't having a go, I just thought, maybe you'd...
skipped a period, that's all.
No. I had my period last week.
Remember?
You did that thing.
Oh! Of course.
Just after you did that other thing.
Yes.
Can't eat that now, can I?
Size isn't really an issue, is it?
Hiya, love!
Any sign of your Shane?
He was in this morning. Tried his moby?
Straight to voice-mail. Never showed today.
Don't bring me in here...
Thought she was on an early? Been here since she finished?
Been cackling all afternoon.
Do you know him?
A mate from her work. Nice kid.
More man than boy.
Behave!
Feeling rough?
Come in. Please, make yourself at home.
Is it mine?
How could you be so stupid?
For fuck's sake! I need to know what you're going to do.
Do you have any idea what this could do to Karen?
Well, the last thing on my mind right now is...
how your wife may or may not react
to what I might have to tell her.
Please.
I need to know.
Gloria, your phone. Either answer it or change the ring tone.
It's been doing my head in all day.
I'm busy.
Persistent, aren't they? Is it a fella?
I wish.
Just tell me, is everything OK?
Will you stop asking me that?! It's getting on my nerves.
Yeah? Hang on a minute. She's here.
Jack and The Beanstalk, is it, this year?
My favourite panto. I don't know how you do it, though.
It'd play havoc with my back.
What are you on about?
The back end. Bent double, eight shows a week.
Who decides who's up front and behind?
Certainly lifelike.
Pace yourself, you've started early.
I took out a loan. About nine weeks ago.
But you've got about five credit cards already.
Which is why I needed a loan.
It was all legit, up front. Applied online. Pay-day loan company.
How much did you borrow?
1,200.
I thought these companies are supposed to limit
how much you can have.
Not my first time. Used my credit cards to make the payments.
If you ever did any tidying, you'd have noticed this.
I've kind of run out of options.
Jesus, Gloria! 4,300% APR!
Yeah, but you can't count it like that.
If you pay it back when you're supposed to...
Have you paid anything back?
And it's them that are constantly calling you?
40 missed calls yesterday.
You borrowed 1,200 quid nine weeks ago, how much do you owe now?
Five grand.
And counting.
What's that?
A cow.
Feel free to elaborate.
We'll get it shifted as soon as we've got somewhere to shift it to.
Its name's Alan.
Alan.
Alan the Cow?
You do know cows are girls?
Tell me about it.
Jamie sent us to get it.
Is this for the meat raffle?
Shhhh!
It's not as if she can understand me, is it?
Animals can sense things.
Yeah, dogs know when earthquakes are coming.
So, Alan was supposed to be...
Couldn't do it. Look at her eyes.
Alan's grown on us. Cracking little personality.
No wonder you couldn't kill her,
you should never give your dinner a name.
Can you keep quiet about it?
As long as you can do the same with her.
I don't want waking up in the wee small hours,
when she's mooing to be milked.
Look at her udders! They're near exploding already.
ALAN MOOS
Fuck!
You're doing it.
No, you're doing it!
Should've just told me.
We could ask them to freeze it, give you a chance to catch up?
They say that. Worst thing you can do is ignore it.
That might be what they say when Anne Robinson phones.
But reality's a little bit different.
How the fuck am I going to raise £5,000, Dom?
How long have you got?
Two days.
Why did you leave it to the last minute?
Because if I told you, you'd say,
"Why did you leave it to the last minute?"
All right, I'll put the feelers out,
see if I can call in some favours.
Five grand's worth?
I'm still a priest. I have the power of Guilt.
Shane would know. Just tug it a bit harder.
I don't want to hurt her, and I'm scared of pulling it off.
Try a different hand action.
You try a different fuckin' hand action!
I can't touch it, I'm a Muslim.
It's Hindus with cows.
Can't you... like...?
I'm not wanking a cow off!
It's tits, not a cock!
Listen, she's called Alan, I am not wanking off anyone called Alan!
Doesn't bother you?
No. Why would it?
Power to your elbow.
Can I have a glass of water please, babes?
I was just saying to your fella, a lot of men would be intimidated.
She's always been a total fag-hag. Doesn't bother me.
What's that got to do with anything?
I don't mind the gays. I'm cool with it.
Two points. Firstly, you better be all right with "the gays."
Secondly, Calum's not one of them.
Yes, he is.
No, he's not.
Look at the way he dresses.
He's a nice dresser.
Yeah, but... his hair.
And he definitely moisturises.
Doesn't make him gay. Soft skin ain't no bad thing for the ladies.
I can't be doing with stubble rash on the inside of my thighs.
Mimi!
Need a word, mate.
About?
Your pregnant sister.
Y'all right, Jamie?
Yes, mate.
Do you know what she's going to do?
I can't believe she didn't tell me.
She normally tells me everything.
This could fuck everything up!
I take it you won't be putting a notice in the Manchester Evening News
announcing your paternity cos it's all about you, isn't it Jamie?
Karen can't find out.
Oh, yes she can.
It's only words exchanged. Can't see our Gloria telling her.
You weren't exactly the love of her life.
How did she put it? "You were just a fuck". That's all.
Find out what she's going to do.
What? Run back here and tell you?
And why would I do that?
What you doing?
Where's the condoms?
I flushed them.
You never normally flush them, you normally tell me to do it.
You were asleep, they were on the floor.
I didn't want Cilla toddling in and picking them up, did I?
Are you all right?
Are you trying to trick me into getting you pregnant?
What?
Are you saving up my spunk from the condoms,
and pouring it into yourself while I'm sleeping?
You're behaving really weird.
Because, clearly, you're the rational one!
Just so's you know,
squishing jizz out of condoms has never been top of my "To Do" list.
Are you trying to get pregnant?
Don't be soft.
I've got the horn, now.
Come on.
This barging in is getting a bit old, isn't it?
Yeah, well, extenuating circumstances.
Dominic's upstairs.
I've just passed him on his way to Mass.
Creature of habit, your brother.
I made some enquiries. Thought you might want to get out of town,
so there's more than enough there for hotel and travel if you need it.
The fee seems pretty consistent, clinic to clinic.
Please don't take any chances.
Go somewhere decent, where they'll look after you.
Your concern is touching.
You seem to have it all worked out.
I'm just trying to help. There's six grand there.
If you need any more, just ask.
I'll be sure to do that.
D'you need me to come with you?
I think it'd be better all round if you just fuck off.
It's only a matter of time before someone lets slip
that there's a cow on the estate.
Do yourself a favour, mate. Don't Google "milking" on the internet.
Won't come back the way you thought.
I saw one on YouTube, said you have to be quite firm with the...
teats.
I was telling Lillian about Alan and she said,
"There's always someone somewhere willing to pay over the odds
"to get off on it." And she was right. Meet Eric.
By day, Planning Officer from Rochdale.
By night, Heidi fetishist.
Heidi?
Yes, Helmut?
I have finished the milking.
May I go, Mutter?
Jawohl.
You can keep all the milk.
It's warm.
It's a fucking bodily fluid, dickhead!
I don't care if it's legal, what you do is a disgrace!
Legalised loan-sharking.
Please, just call me back when you get this message.
Right. We have one day to get hold of five grand.
Miracles happen.
Think we deserve one? I have some friends in very low places.
Try not to worry.
Think of the baby.
He told you?
Yeah. Why didn't you?
Because I'm not.
What?
Why did he say you are?
Because he's just an arrogant bastard,
who decided to do all the talking and no listening.
Gloria, I could've told you that!
You should let him know.
I will.
I'll call you back.
That's supposed to be in portions at the bottom of the freezer by now.
And it will be.
Just doing a spot of marketing.
Letting people see what they'll get if they win.
A free pint of milk with every strip of tickets sold.
Pretty enterprising.
If I'd known you weren't up to it, I wouldn't have wasted my time.
I'm up to it.
I've told them, if that thing shits in here, I'm not cleaning it up.
It's good for the roses.
Not so good for the carpet.
Right, I'm off for a piss.
If that thing's here when I come back, I'm going to
stick your heads up its fucking arse!
Oh, there's no need.
Mimi's not pregnant.
Stand any closer, I'm worried I might be.
It's not Karen, either, so we're in the clear. Happy days.
Are you not going to wash your hands?
I just make sure not to piss on my fingers.
Oh right, yeah.
No, I understand, yeah. Thanks for trying anyway.
Everything all right?
Never realised how many fair-weather friends I had.
Y'know, when I had my own parish,
they were tripping over themselves to help me out.
Well, welcome to the real world.
If there's anything I can do...
Now you're offering me favours?
I trade in favours.
Yeah, Charlie, it's Dom. Look, er,
I need to earn some money pretty quickly.
Yeah.
No, it's good.
How many tickets, Gloria?
Sorry?
Meat raffle at the Jockey, tomorrow.
Five quid of tickets could get you 50 quid of meat.
That's a dairy cow, boys.
It's not bred for meat.
It'll taste like feet.
Jamie never said owt.
Maybe he was giving you enough rope.
What we going to do?
We only have to sell it, not eat it.
Tastes like feet, fuck it. It's got fuck-all to do with us.
Come on, Alan.
Everything all right?
You're keeping it?
I'm not pregnant. I never was.
Why did you lie? Was it a scam?
Fuck you! I never lied.
You told me...
I told you nothing. You're the one who barged into my home,
full of presumptions, like the Big Alpha Male,
and came to your own conclusions.
Yeah, well you could have contradicted me.
It's not my job to tell an idiot when he's been an idiot.
I've better things to do with my time.
Oh, but I tell you what was interesting, though,
seeing how you would have reacted had I been pregnant.
"Oh, don't worry your pretty little head. Leave it to the men".
Wasn't like that.
What was it like?
A woman I cared very much about, who now decides to avoid me
like the plague, may have been pregnant with my child...
but was choosing to hide it from me.
That's what it was like.
Go back to Karen.
Play happy families.
I don't need you. Or your money.
Right, tighten that.
Are you sure about this, Father?
Circuit training's one thing, but fighting's totally different.
Yeah, I'm sure, Charlie.
You really are desperate, aren't you?
I am that.
When was the last time you ran further than the length of yourself?
I've got a great tolerance for pain.
Everyone's in with a punching chance. Five grand, yeah?
I've laid bets. If you win, you'll clear five.
Honestly. Who is this guy? How good is he?
Good enough to give long odds.
Have you put a bet on me, Charlie?
I'm not a betting man, Father.
OK.
Oh, fuck!
Half when you're ready, Mimi.
Lover boy's practically a regular now.
Two nights on the trot, eh?
You only live once, babe.
We're clubbing later, if you're up for it?
Some other time, maybe.
You're your own boss. Who's going to pull you up?
Me and Avril've been there, done that.
Probably while you were still in nappies.
That's what I'm saying! Recapture your youth.
Take "No" for an answer, mate.
I might go.
Grab-a-Granny night, is it?
I'm going to shoot some pool.
No of fence, but he's a fucking idiot.
He can be, but it's not your place to say.
You still coming?
You'd better believe it.
One, two, three!
What's this?
Sirloin...
I think.
That's definitely sirloin.
I don't know why we didn't do this in the first place.
Cos it cost another 400 quid of my money!
Stay back, Alan. You don't want to see this.
What about this?
She's hardly going to hear her phone in a club, is she?
I wasn't phoning her.
What's with the macho bollocks?
That going to keep your wife happy, is it?
"I'm so tough, I just don't care."
I care.
She fancied a bit of fun.
Remember fun, don't you, Jackson?
We have a good time.
Before or after you called her an ugly old crone?
I never called her that.
No. "Grab-a-Granny" was the phrase, wasn't it?
I can look after my own marriage, thanks.
Course you can.
Gloria?
If you're pissed, Dominic, just go straight up. I'm not in the mood.
Jesus Christ, Dominic!
I'm fine.
It's not as bad as it looks.
I couldn't get the money, Sis.
I'm sorry.
This has gone too far.
It's got to end.
Best night I've had in a decade.
Stop it. You'll make me sad.
Chief cook and bottle washer, that's my role. Mother and wife.
Come here. You're not my mother and you're not my wife. Mwah!
Oh, fuck...
I know. I'm sorry...
I'm sorry.
Been a bit of a dickhead.
I know.
Coming up?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Stretching a muscle.
I don't know whether I'm coming or going... or coming.
What's fucking eating you now?
Tell me this ain't yours.
Fuck's sake, there goes my erection!
Is that him, yeah?
Yeah.
Fucking look at him!
The fuck, man?
Fuck off!
Oi! Pack it in and fuck off!
Leg it!
Yeah, yeah, all right, mate.
Yep.
What the fuck's happened to you?
Slipped on a banana skin.
I need a favour.
She got herself into a mess with one of these short-term loans.
It's out of control - we've tried everything.
She now thinks that the only thing she can do is to go.
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't desperate.
If she goes, Jamie, she won't come back.
That might suit me.
You know that isn't true.
One condition...
she never finds out it came from me.
I want your word on that, Dom.
Of course.
Right.
I'll catch you up, I have business.
Thank you... I'm so grateful.
It was nothing.
I've got folk waiting for me, er, I'm sorry.
At least stay for a cup of tea.
Yeah, it's mine.
You lied to me?
I omitted the truth - that's different.
Only in the dictionary.
I didn't know if I was or I wasn't.
My stage in life, your periods might not be as regular as they used to be.
Then I got to thinking about it and kinda liked the idea.
You should've consulted me.
Yeah, I should have...
but I didn't want to raise any false alarms...
then looking stupid.
Are you?
Pregnant?
No, I'm not.
I'm just some stupid old woman who thought she might've got lucky.
You can have my spunk any time you want, you know?
I've got a fucking bucket-load.
Ah, thanks love.
That's what a life amounts to these days, does it? Carry-on luggage?
All the rest is just stuff.
Look...
I'm sorry about this, Dominic.
I really appreciate all your help.
Your debt's cleared.
How?
A friend.
Your phone should stop ringing now.
How are we going to pay it back?
Slowly.
Special occasion?
Yeah, I'm out with my wife.
You're overdoing it, it's a bit pukey.
Yeah, you're trying a bit too hard.
Can't win for losing.
You all right?
Something's changed.
What can I get you?
A large gin and tonic and...?
I'll have a single of your finest malt.
Double single malt, please.
What's he done, then?
Oh, he's just been a good brother.
And... Five and four - 54.
House!
This is yours, is it?
Lucky for someone - 13!
Here!
Can't wait to see her face when she's running free again.
Except she doesn't really run, more like waddles.
You sure they have to take her?
It's a fucking petting zoo - what they going to do, kick her out?
Make her sell the Big Issue?
Where is she...?
Never mind where - how?! She was tied in a triple knot.
How did she open the door?
Alan!
Alan! Alan!
Alan!
Come back!
Alan!
Alan! Alan!
Alan, where are you?!
She's gone, bro.
It's all right, mate.
Was it you?
Was what me?
No more games, please.
I don't know what you're talking about.
OK.
So it wasn't you.
All the same, thank you.
You're welcome.
I didn't want you to leave.
I didn't want to not see you again.
'People are the stuff of life.
'People have real worth, real value...'
'..so long as no-one ever gets close enough to hurt...'
'..because no amount of money can ever protect you from that.'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
You must be the one they call Terry the terrapin.
I've heard speak of you.
And what do they say of me, Alan the cow?
You survived many months in the pocket of one who soaked in piss and alcohol.
This is true.
And that you have evolved and taken on the characteristics of the one they call
Frank Gallagher.
This also is true.
We have much to learn from you.
Got any drugs?